Blog

According to the Self-Love Recovery Institute, Codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD) is a problem of distribution of love, respect, and caring within close relationships, romantic or otherwise. Codependents give the majority of love, respect, and care — hoping for reciprocation. All codependents believe their narcissistic partner will realize their mistakes and finally return the love, respect, and care they want and need. It just never happens. Dr. Laurie Emery takes a deep dive into codependency and self-love deficiency in a comprehensive, interactive workbook that involves 20 integral lessons: 

Excerpt from: 

Do You Have Self-Love Deficit Disorder? 

Lesson 1: The Roots of Codependency

The roots of codependency most often take hold in childhood and branch out in many ways into adulthood. A child in a controlling dynamic of any kind forces that child to be able to “read and scan” their family members’ moods so they can act accordingly to keep the peace or get attention. Getting proper attention is seldom the childhood luxury of a codependent. They often suffer in silence and develop learned helplessness

Lesson 2: Regaining Your Sense Of Self
ATTRITION, RECOGNITION, RECONDITION
Attrition is a barely noticeable process of erosion. The wearing down can be so slow you may not realize how much of you is gone until you are at rock bottom.
Recognition is vital to recovery. Cognition is conscious awareness. Codependents have too much awareness for the needs of others.

Reconditioning, if you are patient with yourself, reconditioning is the cure. It will reverse attrition. It may not go as quickly as you’d like, but with time and proactive practice you can crack the code of codependency and change it.

Lesson 3: The Neuroscience of Codependency
From the moment of birth, we have instincts and reflexes to guide us to receive love and
nurturing. We are born reaching and grasping. We grab for security, safety and a sense
of belonging. We are wired to be loved and supported and need to find it to thrive as an
adult.

Lesson 4: Healing Family Secrets
Keeping family secrets is highly overrated. Many of you, particularly codependents, were born into families with lots of secrets. It is often the job of the codependent to bear the burden of those secrets and to keep them in ways that give a sense of safety and belonging in the short term but can cause damage in the long term. You can feel trapped in a need to be loved by your family to your own demise.

Lesson 5: Inner Child Healing
You can be independent of your past by redirecting your future. Guided meditations and affirmations lead you to connect with the subconscious and get all of your brain waves in sync and internal harmony. They ground you. Guided meditations can integrate your inner child with your higher-self adult. It is your time to access the parts of you that were squelched, suppressed, or admonished to keep quiet.

Lesson 6: Compassion Fatigue Protection
We often hear of performers being hospitalized for exhaustion. We call it giving a performance. Though many may think that entertainers are paid a lot for what they do and some are, this doesn’t make them impervious to fatigue. They, like many other professions, are highly likely to develop fatigue from giving too much of their power and talent away. We discard talented people and athletes. They then realize they have given their lives away for the amusement of others and may not have taken their lives or families seriously. 

Codependents are much like an entertainer. They can understand this kind of exhaustion, yet they seldom see it coming because they are always on the go for everyone. This is true of anyone who has a one-sided relationship with their audience.

Lesson 7: Spiritual Healing
Many codependents have learned their disease to please from religion. The practice of religion is very different from a personal relationship with your Creator. God’s Spirit, the Divine Energy of the universe, lives within you. As a note, I have great respect for everyone’s personal belief system. It is not my intent to offend, but to allow you to insert whatever works for you as your spiritual practice. The Source of your life is yours to connect with, just for the invitation. It has and always will be there for you. It will not be forced upon you, but it is a great force within you to have for guidance, wisdom, and protection. Think of it as the GPS for your life.

Lesson 8: What Do YOU Really Want?
This question is one of the most confusing to a codependent. The answer is usually, I don’t even know what I want anymore. I hardly know who I am. I feel so alone. The kind of codependents who have given their life in service to their parents, partners, spouse, children, boss or an abuser/controller rarely can look you in the eye and tell you what they want.

Lesson 9: Revealing and Healing Unhealthy Relationships
Much has been written about the codependent/narcissistic attraction. Most articles and
books do well explaining the behavior of the narcissist and say have no contact with them. When these people are your spouses, partners, bosses, parent or parent of your child, etc., no contact is not always an option. You must extricate, limit and distance yourself from the trauma and drama by having coping skills and/or exit strategies.

​​Lesson 10: Healthy Connections

The healthier social connections we have, the better we feel. The better we feel, the better we do. The better we do, the better we are. People with codependent tendencies usually have an imbalanced ratio of healthy to unhealthy connections.

Lesson 11: Enlightenment of Your Gift of Giving
You can find the right gifts for others but acting on this impulse to supply other people with things they need may deprive you. Sometimes the people you give things to may react in ways that feel unappreciative.

Lesson 12: Developing Safe Boundaries
The pain of some kind of abandonment is at the core of sharing too much too soon. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, some people distance themselves. Beware of the ones who get even closer to you.

Lesson 13: Servanthood vs. Servitude
You may have been programmed to be the family servant for others, instead being of service to others. It is a subtle but powerful distinction.

Lesson 14: Approval Seeking and People Pleasing
Approval seekers try harder to do much more than what is expected of them. They ask for advice and have a difficult time making decisions without a lot of reassurance. They also need to be noticed and appreciated. If not, they can feel more worthless and damaged.

People pleasers are much the same way with a subtle difference. They don’t care if they are recognized. They are always on the lookout to make someone else happy. They smile when they are hurting. They say, “I’m fine” when they are not. They agree with people when they don’t share the same beliefs. They become what they believe others want. 

Lesson 15: Zero Tolerance = Infinite Possibilities
>You can gain the ability to develop zero tolerance for toxic behaviors, but not always for the people who exhibit them. The operative word is “develop.” As you evolve from codependent to independent, your knee-jerk reactions to narcissistic connections will transition into well scripted and rehearsed responses. You will learn to think before you speak. It is a powerful tool of communication.

Lesson 16: Financial Abuse and Independence
Codependency can get worse with lack of finances and often be instantly cured with financial independence. I have lost much to financial abusers. Many times a codependent has been in financially one-sided relationships. It feels like your partners imply, “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine, too!”

Lesson 17: Peaceful and Powerful
You need to feel powerful to be peaceful. If you believe you are powerless or helpless to stop people from using you, you are. If you retain your peace, you gain power. Paradoxically, sometimes you have to “fight” for peace. You are not just fighting people but the conditioned trauma/drama response that relates to a fear of abandonment.

Lesson 18: You Are Good Enough
Enough implies sufficiency. Codependents usually go above and beyond that. Many of the people taking advantage of you secretly feel guilty because you do so much for them. They know they lack the capacity and desire to care like you do. They can’t reciprocate your kind of intense kindness.

Lesson 19: Belonging and Wholeness
Self-actualized people are not selfish people. They are thoughtful and purposeful givers. They work for the highest good they can personally achieve. You are happiest when you’re as close to your actual self as you can be and connected to others in reciprocal relationships.

Lesson 20: From Abandonment to Abundance
Releasing fear is like exercise. It must be done often and with direction. Fear will come. You will relapse and over-give or say yes when you mean no again. It’s part of the process but the cycles of relapse and anxious withdrawal symptoms will dissipate with time.

Self-love is a vital, quintessential part of a fulfilling life. Even if you want ways to improve your connection with yourself, Dr. Emery’s program can be profoundly helpful. Ignite Your Life has programs to help you empower your mind to actively create the life of your dreams while transforming yourself from the inside out. Call today to begin your journey —  561-239-1614, or join our Facebook community here.